Go Ahead, Surprise Yourself

I recently tweeted something about the wonderful ability to surprise ourselves. This happens when I listen to country music (and enjoy it). Or crave a Southern meal. Although I don’t do much shopping these days, when I do, I might pick out a shirt that a year ago I’d never dream of wearing. As I peruse the endless pinterest mommy pages, I can’t help but laugh at the 18 year old Cassie and what she would think of 24 year old Cassie.

Surprise, surprise, in the last year my desires and emotions have changed. The things I said I wanted a year ago may or may not still apply. I have caught myself off guard with my traditional views on marriage and work. These days, I laugh at the “domestic duties” I not only experience, but enjoy. In college, I hoped to be a powerful woman with a career before starting a family. I viewed myself as a modern post-feminist wife who could be the next Marissa Mayer if I so chose. I’m young, I’m driven, the world’s my oyster, right? Well, my desires changed a little bit. I felt a pull to motherhood. As time went by, I began to crave simplicity. A laundry room. A driveway. Maybe a porch?

Ok, well our move to Queens doesn’t involve any of the above. (Well there’s laundry in the *building*. That’s a step up in NYC living.) But I’ve honestly surprised myself (and probably my husband, too) with my changing desires. I expect them to continue to change. In a year or 5, I might go a completely different direction. And we as humans have every right to do so.

This seems like common sense. You know, every year after you do your taxes, or maybe after your anniversary, I don’t know, pick a time, reconnect with your spouse and say, “Hey, we said this last year, but do we still want it? Has it changed? What do we want now?”

Silly as it sounds, I completely overlooked this during the newlywed year. I kept thinking, “Well we talked about before our wedding, that we wanted X,Y,Z. So I can’t change it up on him now.” But yes! Yes we can. And should. Because maybe a year ago, I didn’t have the information I have now.

I am grateful for our experience and time in the city, but I’ve learned quite a bit about myself. It has been anything but easy. I’ve learned (but probably already knew) that I am far from a vagabond. I hate living out of a suitcase and crave stability. I hate public transportation, and consider a good night a quiet one with wonderful company. I find content moments the most “thrilling” ones.

I have met some fantastic people here and had some incredible experiences. But let’s be honest, if it weren’t for my husband, I would not live here.

On the altar you say many broad and lofty goals. For better, for worse. That’s a huge promise! We don’t even know what we’re getting ourselves into. And to be honest, I’ve amazed myself at just how little I knew on my wedding day. I think to myself, “There’s no way I could have prepared myself for this. No book, no lecture, no blog post could ever have truly conveyed the journey of marriage as accurately as simply experiencing for myself.” Like what right did I have to say anything about marriage before getting married? Ha! I thought I knew it all. And as I enter the season of motherhood, oh boy, where do I begin. I am continually surprised at how I am called to humility on a daily basis in the sacrament of marriage. The universe likes to remind me that I actually don’t know everything and maybe should keep my mouth shut and my mind a little more forgiving more often. When you think you understand something is just when it seems to switch up. You surprise yourself and take a left instead of taking a right. And so the undertaking of “recalculating” begins and ends. Just in time to begin again.

The most recent event of “recalculation” happened when I saw that second line on that pregnancy test. Probably the best kind of recalculation.

So go ahead, surprise yourself. It may just be one of the greatest joys to be found in marriage.

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